Becoming Free

I can't fully explain how hard it has been for me to recover from getting E.Coli in 2013, both physically and mentally. The weeks and months on end of something that once was a joy to me (eating) becoming my worst enemy has been horrible. Eating differently then pretty much everyone I know has taken a toll on me. I feel guilty for writing that. What right do I have to feel sorry for myself when people are facing much larger mountains with their health that ultimately could be death sentences? I know I should just be grateful that I haven't suffered any internal organ damage. However, this is my reality. And no matter the terrible things that could have gone wrong, I still have to face my food battles every single day, and at times I feel alone in doing so. No naturopath, no digestive specialist, or doctor has been able to tell me exactly what I need to do to fix my digestive problems. I have had to feel it out on my own and struggle through the pain and discomfort of trying different foods only to realize I may never be able to eat that food again. 

I hate that I can't eat dairy, gluten, spicy food, or fried foods without having extreme stomach pain and feeling sick for days, when I never had a problem before. It is an inconvenience to make one meal for my husband, and one meal for me. I don't enjoy looking over a menu at a restaurant hoping to find one thing that I can possibly eat. I despise telling people what I can and cannot eat if we are invited to dinner, as if I am being a nuisance to them. I irritate myself when I don't have the discipline to say no, and I end up in pain because I ate something I know I shouldn't have. 

I actually didn't intend to complain when I started this post! I intended to share my "beautiful journey and all the life lessons I've learned along the way". But let me tell you, it hasn't been pretty. I've had some pretty ugly moments. Life doesn't always go our way, and I hate that. I wish I could control every little detail, but I can't and it makes me want to kick and scream like a little kid. And sometimes I do in my own way. What kind of life is living in fear of the unknown and fear of the past? I need to let go of the "I wish it was different" bullshit and embrace that life has changed and be happy with new things. Holding on to what used to be or things you think should be doesn't help with the present.

Today I enjoyed life. I ran 4 miles with my running buddy and searched for cool driftwood and rocks at a local beach so my new air plants have a home. As I type this, the wood pieces I found are drying by the fire and the sound of rain is hitting our rooftop. Our apartment is filled with the smell of vegan chocolate chip almond cookies I just pulled out of the oven from a new recipe I found that doesn't suck. (click on cookie pic below for recipe). I have a husband who loves me and supports me in my journey, whether rocky or pleasant. I have friends who I trust and know they love me. Today, and everyday, I will choose to be thankful. I choose to be brave and live life. I choose to be happy under any circumstance. Because sometimes all we have is today.  

gabrielle abby

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